Bloody lonely


I went for a walk today. Me and probably a thousand other people. We walked through our second city past hundreds of other people, in shops and cafes and offices.
I say 'we' but it would be more accurate to say they and me. They and me went for a walk to demand our government do something about the climate crisis.
So it was a good walk to go on. It was for a good cause. There were drums and banners and a feeling of solidarity and hope.
But it was always them and me.
People walked in two and threes and groups and I walked with me.
I walked with everyone else around the city centre twice. I held my banner, that I made alone at home the night before.
I was proud to be there, proud to do this thing.
But tonight my heart is hurting and I am filled up with sorry for me.

I felt the sorry for me when I was walking with the thousand, because it was all of them and me. I didn't have a partner, I wasn't in a group. No one to talk to or sing with, but me.
I saw two people that I recognised from long time ago and went to say 'hi' and introduce myself. I don't think they remembered me and anyway didn't want to talk, there was very little eye contact, I got the hint, perhaps they were embarrassed, forgetful of me.

Today was not about me. Today was for something bigger than me, something powerful that I was a part of.
It was a lonely part though. I was not expecting it to be a lonely part. I was surprised to feel it.
This is how it is.

I walked for three months, day after day alone and I never felt lonely once.
Today I walked in a crowd of a thousand and my heart hurts really bad.
Maybe it's human to feel alone among a thousand, maybe there were other mes today who felt the same way, walking that walk.

All I know is that the distance of separation from me and others felt insurmountable, cavernous, black as midnight, a crevasse, a gorge, a ravine of separation. A distance between galaxies separation. A me over here on this island and them over there on that continent, separation.

This separation is just what it is. There is no blame and no fixing it, except in temporary moments and those temporary moments are jewels and gold rings, brilliant, but small and rare. And usually it's ok because I can be very happy alone, but that's alone and today I was in a crowd and that was bloody lonely.

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